COSA is a recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior. In COSA, we find hope whether or not there is a sexually addicted person currently in our lives. With the humble act of reaching out, we begin the process of recovery. The COSA recovery program has been adapted from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. It is a program for our spiritual development, no matter what our religious beliefs. As we meet to share our experience, strength and hope while working the twelve steps, we grow stronger in spirit. We begin to lead our lives more serenely and in deeper fulfillment, little by little, one day at a time. Only in this way can we be of help to others. COSA is open to anyone whose life has been affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior. While there are no dues or fees for membership, most groups pass a basket for contributions since COSA is entirely self-supporting and declines outside donations.
Is this program for me?
Key Identifying Behaviors The following questions can be used to help you identify unmanageable areas of your life and “bottom line” behaviors. Do you:
- Believe you would be happy if only the sex addict would change?
- Sometimes look at other families, imagine that they are “normal,” and wish your relationship could be happy like theirs?
- Feel pressured to become sexual with partners before you know them very well, or done so repeatedly in order to avoid abandonment?
- Become physically affected as a result of another person’s compulsive sexual behavior — have stress-related illnesses, STDs, have a baby or an abortion to fix the relationship, etc.?
- Engage in compulsive, self-destructive or depressive behaviors to avoid your feelings?
- Sometimes feel crazy and have a hard time separating the truth from lies when talking to the sex addict?
- Feel immense shame about the sex addict’s sexual behaviors, that what the sex addict has done is a reflection on you or your family?
- Believe that if only you could help the sex addict with their pain, they would get better?
- Put the sex addict’s needs before your own?
- Feel happy when the sex addict is happy and doing well, and struggle when the sex addict is sad, angry, or struggling?
- Spend time worrying about where the sex addict is, who they might be with, what they might be doing?
- “Snoopervise” – Spend time searching for clues to the sex addict’s acting out? Check personal space, computers, cars, bank records, phone bills, laundry for clues to the addictive sexual behavior of the addict?
- Find yourself hyper-focused on the sex addict’s level of recovery?
- Avoid ever speaking with others (close friends, a professional counselor or sponsor) about your sexual behaviors or feelings?
- Focus more on another person’s sexual attitudes, beliefs, or needs than your own?
- Allow sexual activities with your partner that feel unpleasant, painful, scary, degrading or shaming?
- Withdraw emotionally, have your mind on other things during sex, or feel empty afterwards?
- Have less interest in and awareness of your own sexual needs and wants, than the sex addict’s sexual needs and wants?